Putting my life back together...

I am trying to get my life back together again. After having my world, my hopes, my dreams all thrown up in the air last week, I am striving to be me again. I have been reflecting on my behavior and on the things that were said to me last week. I see what he was saying on several counts and I know that these concerns that he shared are concerns that I don't want linked to me.

I don't want people to think that I am a rude and impolite person. I want people to see me for the person I am. The person who will go out of her way to help others in need and will do anything for my family. I know that I can not change for someone else, or that I shouldn't change specifically for another person. Changing for a person isn't a true change, it is a temporary fix that will eventually unravel. I want to change for me, for my well-being. I am not trying to say that I am an awful or horrible person. I know that I am a good person, I have been reassured of this quite frequently in the past few days... I am just saying that I know that I have room for growth in my life... I want to be a better person, I want to be healthier- eat healthier, workout more, attempt to start jogging again... I want to clean up my language, I have gotten into a bad habit of letting unclean or inappropriate words creep into my vocabulary recently. I want to become a better listener and learn to see things from others perspectives, and recognize when I need to "check" my ego at the door and be willing to look at other perspectives. I need to show the ones that I love that I love them ALL the time, tell them that I am proud of them, bring them up, not break them down. I need to give space when it is needed and when it isn't requested. I can't smother someone with my love, nor can I "dump" all my problems and stress on that person without regards of their personal stresses and stressors. When I do "dump" my stresses, I need to be sure to try to help relieve some of his stresses or be assistive in relieving him of his stresses. I need to show my patient side in ALL areas of life, not just some.

My feelings haven't changed. I still love him with all my heart. I know that we are opposites in many areas, however, the more I think about us, we fit like a glove. He is calm, laid-back, goes with the flow, spontaneous, whereas I am the more high-strung, planner who can be spontaneous but I like to have an idea at least an hour in advance. He brings comfort and serenity to me and shows me how to be more serene and a better person. We are both open minded and easy going. We both love to laugh and hang out with our families and our friends. He likes Japanese anime and manga, LOVES playing soccer and jogging, ENJOYS playing video games and computer games. Me, I like outdoor activities, play video games to an extent, watch sports and read books. I have learned that we have different ways of handling situations and usually we agree that there is more than one way to handle any given situation. We can talk to each other and see other points of view, and we can talk through just about any discussion or dsiagreement. We both may not like to watch racing or sci-fi... but we have lots to offer together.

I am not completely giving up hope on him, nor am I wanting to make excuses for him. I know that if he makes the decision that it is not good for us to date permanently that he is the one losing the best thing that ever happened to him. I know that I will eventually move on and past this if that does occur. I am not hoping that it does, please don't read into that line like this... I want to be with him. I love him not for who he is, but for who I am when I am with him... I love how I feel when he just reaches over, takes my hand, kisses it and goes back to work... or how he will just look up from working on the computer, wink and me and smile and go back to work, as if he just wants to make sure I am still there. The little things that he does to show that he cares, the little things that I took for granted and now I miss tremendously.

I saw a quote today that read something to the effect of, "The worst kind of missing someone is when you are sitting next to them and know you can't have them." That is where I am right now... I see him online and yet I am trying to keep from messaging him... I am dying to call him to see how his day went and how much progress he made... what good things happened in his life today, what has worried him... It is the worst kind of missing someone when they are right at your fingertips and you can't have them...

I will SURVIVE...

No wait... that isn't the appropriate song for me... hmmm... For all of you that are wondering if I am being honest about how I have been affected by the breakup of mine and Trevor's relationship, please know that I am being as honest as I can be when I say that I am fine. We have been having some issues for a while now and unfortunately it had to come to this. I saw what was happening thanks to the wonderful counseling by one of Tulsa's hottest and finest police officers, as well as some other close friends. It was just a matter of time before Trevor realized and actually admitted to himself what was going on. Once that happened, we had a wonderful conversation, and have moved on. We are still roomates, getting along as roomates should. We sorta date, as we still go out with some of our mutual friends that are couples and we hang out with some of the same people. (Kinda hard not to hang out with the same people when we have been together for 4 years...)

On a different note... I am branching out... trying out the dating scene... have met some interesting people... not interested in falling in love or anything serious by any means... just hanging out, having fun, and being friends. So I am sorta dating a (soon to be former) Marine who is a little younger than me, but is really nice and really sweet. Please note the SORTA... we are mainly hanging out, having fun and being friends... just going out on dates in between all that!

As far as other potential suitors are involved... if any of you know of a specific Pi Kappa Alpha alumni member from TU that still lives in Tulsa... is something like 6'6" with an athletic body to go with the height... and drop dead gorgeous BLUE eyes that will make your knees buckle... who works for what used to be Hope Lumber, but was bought out... let him know that I would love to go on that date that we never got to go on 5 years ago...